You Look Like You Could Be Pregnant

Let me begin by saying, I'm not pregnant. Not even a little bit.

So you can imagine my surprise when a nurse, which I will refer to as Maleficent, said to my face, "Then you look like you could be pregnant."

Let me tell you the back story to really confuse you.

I was in the waiting room at the doctors office when Maleficent called me back. She took my height and weight. 113lbs. I don't think that number puts me in the "most likely pregnant" category.

Evil Maleficent asked me the standard questions. What brings you in? When was your last tetanus shot? And, when was the start date of your last menstrual period?

I imagine I am like most women, I have a general idea but not the exact date for this answer.

I tell her, "Um...about two week ago."

Not good enough, apparently. She wants me to give her a date.

"Well. I don't know exactly. What's today's date?"

"March 12th," Maleficent tells me.

"Well, then, maybe the 1st."

Her words, and I quote, "Well that's not a good date because, then you look like you could be pregnant."

Hmmm.

I'm not even sure what to say. Was it the information I provided her with or my physical appearance that caused Maleficent to accuse me of looking pregnant?

To shut her up quickly, I grabbed my phone, opened the app, and gave her the exact date. I was 3 days off.

"Well that's much better."

Apparently, 3 days is the exact difference in looking pregnant and not.

Bitch.

You Can Run but You Can't Hide

Recently I had a conversation with a friend of mine.

Me: You feel like an adult yet?

Him: No, I don't want to.

Me: It's inevitable.

Him: I can be an adult without feeling like one.

Me: For awhile, yes. But then one night it will hit you when you realize you can't go see The Girl With the Dragon Tatoo cause it's 2 hours and 38 minutes long and it doesn't start until 9pm.

That's my reality. I am an adult, and I most definitely feel like one. I'm reminded every morning when I look at the puffy, dark circles under my eyes and the wrinkles on my face that weren't there 5 years ago.

I give him props for thinking he can forever feel young. After all, he is still in his 20's. But don't you worry, my friend, one day you're going to look at yourself and think, dear God when did it happen? Maybe it will be a night when you're out with friends and you look around and discover you're the old guy at the bar. Or maybe it will be the morning after a late night drinking, you wake up feeling like death and realize your body can't handle it quite like it used to. Possibly it will hit you when you debate whether or not to call the cops on the noisy college kids partying on their porch too late in the evening. And if by some chance you don't have a scenario that is your Aha moment, I guarantee one day you will look at yourself naked in the mirror and see things that make it impossible to not feel like an adult. Metabolisms go, things shift and wrinkle, gravity takes over. This is inevitable.