How to Get in Shape

It's no secret, I want to get in shape. I'm not concerned about the number on the scale. In fact, it's the same number today that it was before I had K, give or take a pound. But...things don't quite look the same. Some parts are a little, um, squishier than they used to be.

So I thought I'd share with you my personal, no fail, 23 point How to Not Get in Shape list.

1.   Stand naked in front of the mirror and assess damage.
2.   Decide with great gusto to finally get back in shape.
3.   Think about setting a start date.
4.   Notice a cool calorie counter app. Download.
5.   Track calories for 2 days. Get discouraged when app repeatedly asks you to input exercise.
6.   Uninstall calorie counter app.
7.   Locate exercise ball from the fourth circle of hell (aka the basement.)
8.   Start a nice and effective before bed exercise routine.
9.   Decide to reward yourself for your hard work with a night off.
10. Roll exercise ball out of the way. Pretend you don't see it anymore. Routine broken.
11. Let a month pass without making any progress on your original goal. Repeat steps 1 and 2.
12. Decide to finally use the Elliptical located in the fourth circle of hell.
13. Exercise for 3 days. Declare basement entirely too dark and depressing to produce a good workout.
14. Notice a Groupon for a month membership at a nearby athletic club.
15. Buy Groupon. Read it doesn't expire until July. Plan to procrastinate on redeeming Groupon.
16. Talk a good game about signing up for a 5k.
17.  Do no research and make no plans.
18. See a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos in pantry. Intentionally eat the entire rest of the bag with the rationale that if they are gone from the pantry, you can't be tempted by them anymore.
19. Feel discouraged. Silently curse the person who bought said Doritos.
20. Find yourself awake at zero dark thirty. Decide it would be a great time to go for a run. Think hard about putting running shoes on. Wonder if they're in the closet or downstairs. Think about checking the weather on your phone. Check twitter instead.
21. Decide to start running another time.
22. Allow another month to pass.
23. Revisit steps 1 and 2.

I figure at this rate, I should have my pre-pregnancy body back in no time. I'm just sure of it.